Does She or Doesn't She?

In today's lesson on the complete clarity of the English language, I received the following email from a friend:

"On Late Night with David Letterman, Soja's daughter Pico appears to do dock diving."

1. Soja is a dog. So is Pico.
2. Is Pico really doing dock diving, or does she just appear to do dock diving?

Perhaps she's the canine incarnation of Uri Geller, fooling a gullible audience into believing she's doing astonishing feats when in fact she's lounging on a couch in Peoria, eating popcorn.

Perhaps she meant:
"On Late Night with David Letterman, Soja's daughter Pico appears and does dock diving."

Unclear Pronoun References

Another entry found in Wikipedia (and that I fixed): "These dogs are very loving with children, provided they do not tease them." Who's teasing whom?

Important Is Sentence The of Order A

Here's a good one that I just excised from Wikipedia:

"Game show host [[Bob Barker]] is known for advising viewers of [[The Price is Right]] to help control the pet population, to have their pets spayed or neutered at the end of each episode."

My own personal dog would likely become exhausted being spayed at the end of each episode, not to mention the ongoing cost. But it would certainly give the vet something to do to keep him off the streets, committing random acts of veterinarianism.

Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana

I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since I posted something here. It seems like only yesterday--or maybe 1996. I have trouble realizing that it's--like--2006 already! I still have trouble believing that I'm still not in the 20th century. January til March hardly seems like an aphid on the leaf that is my life on the plant of time (OK, I just felt the need for a bad metaphor).

For other Groucho Marx quotes (as in today's title line):

• quotationspage.com
• wikiquote.org

Said Word Order Is Important Who?

I left myself a note about the Wikipedia article on Doberman Pinschers ("Dobermann" is the title). The note said:

Dobermann needs editing badly.

The problem, of course, is that it has already been edited badly. What it badly needs is editing.

Who invented this language anyway?

The moral of the story is that your adverb should always be placed so as to modify the verb that you intended to modify. Elsewise modifications happen at random, and good not random placement word is.

We Know What They Mean, But--

Heard on the radio (often): "Thanks to Ron of the KCBS phone force, there's a tremendous backup on 101..." Gee, yeah, thanks a lot, Ron...

Lock Them Innocents Up

This one gave me pause: Are we not giving framed people tough enough sentences? If we're going to lock them up anyway, we might as well throw away the key so they can't get out to talk about it? (San Jose Mercury News, December 8, 2005.)

Or perhaps they're not talking about prison terms but about the language that attorneys use in the courtroom? Sentences such as "Your honor, we don't have another suspect, so could you please lock him up?" aren't tough enough; instead, sentences need to be more along the lines of, "You'd better lock this guy up, judge, or you're next, and believe me, we know how to frame people. So watch yerself"?

(Also see my small collection of similar examples showing Why Copy Editors Aren't Useless.)

Small Cars Back In Vogue!

Pleasanton Auto Mall's ad today on KCBS radio gave me hope that giant SUVs are out and in fact auto dealers are themselves shrinking the cars in their inventories. The ad claims that "All Lexus, Infinitis, and Acuras have been reduced!" I'm not sure how--perhaps they're chopping off the trunk?